Flicks: Valentine (2001)

The lost art of the shocker film trailer returns - unexpectedly!

Denise Richards, star of Valentine (2001), is hot in that All American Girl way. All physically over-developed and squeezed into her faded denim jeans like she poured her soft, pillowy yet tone buns in them on a sunny summer afternoon. That kind of hot.

Adapted in the typical "fast-and-loose" Hollyweird style from the best-selling first novel by Tom Savage and directed by Jimmie Blanks (Urban Legend (1998) and Machete Maidens Unleashed (2010)) the film struggles to find the creepy connection between five former preppie hu-mon females who all receive bizarre Valentine's Day cards from a mysterious psycho.

Little do they know (or remember apparently) that the Melvin they each melvined at a Valentine's Day high school dance in 1988 has returned with a evil looking mask and a gleeful hankering for yuppie blood in 2001! Not such a great movie but based on a good book!

References:
IMDB, Valentine (2001)
IMDB, Jimmie Blanks

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Flicks: The Gerber Syndrome (2011)

In post-Apocalyptic Italy, everyone can hear you scream!

Italian horror films occupy a special place in yer ol' pal The Sleaze-A-Saurus's ventricle gland. Good Italian horror films are very hu-mon responses to cruelty and inhumane mania that have been prominently featured in the films of Dario Argento (Suspira, Deep Red), Antonio Margheriti (aka Tony Flowers, Anthony Bloom - Cannibal Apocalypse, Flesh for Frankenstein) and Lucio Fulci (Zombie franchise, The New York Ripper).

Today newcomer Maxi Dejoie, who wrote and directed The Gerber Syndrome, encapsulates this cultural mania in a disease called Gerber's Syndrome, a type of fast-spreading and incurable illness that makes it's victims develop a kind of homicidal rabies.

Shot in the updated cinema-verite (raw theater) in faux documentary form the movie follows the Syndrome as it spreads like wild fire into an Italian city where the main characters are forced to confront this new plague.

References:
IMDB, The Gerber Syndrome (2011)
Quiet Earth, Sci-Fi London Review
List Mania, Italian Horror Film Directors

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Flicks: Gamera 3: The Revenge Of Iris (1999)

So I like 500-foot-tall toortles. Sue me, already.

Now that all annual hu-mon festivities have concluded for this portion of the pathetically inaccurate Earthling "year" it is time to get back to doing what the Blender does best - watching terrible movies with his growing gang of manling pals on the Internet.

Gamera is an unlikely Godzilla clone from 1965. There are only two things that anyone needs to about the original "Showa" era Gamera. ONE, the giant toortle emerged from, of all the frickin places, Antarctica. And TWO, he used to suck. And I mean Gamera used to suck in the way that only Twilight and True Blood fans come close to resembling. In that typically shallow, dim-witted and narcissistic way that makes Erkel look like "Downtown" Jackie Brown. O.G. Gamera sucked bad. Get me?

In the 90's, Studio Daiei revived the series in a spectacular way. No longer was Gamera a Godzilla rip-off but a series in it's own right. Cutting edge effects/FX incorporated brand spanking new CG imagery to allow Gamera to fly minus the clunky strings and to shoot fire at an astonishing realistic clip. The models improved drastically. By The Revenge in 1999, the traditional kiddie market for kaiju was nearly forgotten by the film-makers, and giving this "Hesei" era series a horrifying and gruesome new life leading into the Millenial era to come.

A total of three amazing Gamera flicks, all directed by Shusuke Kaneko (Death Note) were released from 1995 to 1999: Gamera: Guardian of the Universe, Gamera 2: Attack of Legion and Gamera 3: The Revenge Of Iris. Iris is regarded as one of the finest films of the late Hesei era.

In 2010, the Blu-Ray contains a deep commentary with actors and the award-winning of the now defunct ADV (Super Milk Chan) crew who dubbed the English version of the film.

References:
IMDB, Gamera 3: The Revenge Of Iris (1999)
Wikipedia, Gamera: Guardian Of The Universe
Wikipedia, Gamera 3: The Awakening Of Irys

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