Slash Mess: Hatchet I, II and III (2006-2013)

What if the original Friday the 13th movies had today's talent and technology? You'd have the Hatchet film series.

The Slash-Mess holiday is here, hu-mon. Prepare thyself for dread. True dread - with HATCHET.

Hatchet is a three part horror movie series by Adam Green that takes place deep in the bayous of Louisiana. A strange curse has made a disfigured little boy into an seemingly immortal maniac with a need for vengeance and a flair for bladed weaponry and power tools - at the end of part two he actually power-sands a guy's skull inwards.

So... this series features a long list of horror film legends including Robert England aka Freddy Krueger, Tony Todd aka the Candyman, Sid Haig aka Capt. Spaulding (House of 1000 Corpses) and stunt-monster Mr. Kane Hodder in the star role of Victor Crowley/Mr. Crowley.

Hodder is a well-known, fan favorite actor in the fandom of Friday the 13th for playing Jason Vorhees in parts 7, 8, 9 and 10 (Jason X). He has worked as a stunt man for almost 100 films including Texas Chainsaw Massacre as Leatherface and acted in many other underground horror films such as Wes Craven's The Hills Have Eyes II (1984), Pumpkinhead II (1993) and as the Beast in Project:Metalbeast (1995). Hodder stars in all three Hatchet films that began in 2006 and ended in 2013.

Hatchet I (2006)

May I axe you a bladed implement related question, Holmes?

City livin' yuppies and tourists, joined by the sullen Marybeth (Tamara Feldman) and two fledgling actresses/bimbos that are fresh from a Girls-Gone-Lesbian amateur porn shoot, head deep into the actual swamps surrounding New Orleans. A group of eight, including veteran character actor Richard Riehle (Tom the inventor of the "Jump To Conclusions" game from Mike Judge's Office Space), seek out a swamp tour to examine the rustic countryside instead of enjoying Mardi Gras.

Now, if you have ever seen how much vomit and wet garbage covers Bourbon Street during Mardi Gras you may understand these folks collective decision a little better. Getting back to the movie...

Acting under the seemingly helpful advice of Reverend Zombie (Tony Todd) they quickly end up taking a short bus to the dark side of of the bayou. After de-busing, the group goes on a guided night tour of the swamp complete with the worst Cajun accent ever captured on film delivered courtesy of Parry "Kung Pow Kingfish" Shen. Also, random boobs spring out from unsuspecting blouses.

Before long, a cheap foam alligator strikes, the rain machine pours and the hillbilly version of the Predator, who we have not seen or even heard about for the first 40 minutes of the film, still hasn't swooped down from the canopy. At long last, through a pretty darn awful story told by Marybeth and shown in a sepia-toned "History-Vision" we discover 100% of the mad murderer's back story - one that seemingly goes back to the 1930's?

In these exposition scenes, we see a disfigured Jason Vorhees styled kid and learn that there sure are a lot of accidents in Backwoods, Louisiana. After being taunted by kids, Victor Crowley is killed accidentally by his own father during a rescue from their burning one room country shack that other mean kids had accidentally set ablaze.

We then learn that the morose Marybeth is really searching for her lost father and brother who were presumably lost in the swamp and slain by the ghost of the disfigured Victor Crowley.


After haunting the WWF as "Hillbilly Jim" in the late 1980's, Victor Crowely became a successful and well-liked homicidal maniac in Louisiana.

Finally, after seeing the stunt-monster once as a child, and nearly an entire hour into the movie(!), we are finally confronted with crazy Mr. Victor Crowley who closely resembles former WWF wrestler Hillbilly Jim. Victor lives up to the movie's title and promptly cleaves Tom From Office Space into two tidy pieces with his trusty hatchet. He does so in front of God and the short bus tour group alike.

Then, something incredible happens. No, not the credits. In the very next shot Victor, courtesy of an extremely capable FX crew, tears the entire top half a character's head off by pulling her upper skull free from her jaw. RIP Mrs. Tom From Office Space and hello "Where was this movie for the past hour!?!"

Unfortunately, the movie veers quickly away from John Carl Buechler's special effects to a plot and performances straight out of Jason Takes Manhattan complete with great ideas like: "Oh mah God! We just walked in a big circle." AND "Let's check out that spooky old cabin over there. Maybe they can help us." Don't forget that classic: "Guys, it looks like he's dead. Let's all go walk in another direction."

Despite being "killed" twice, Victor continues to act under the assumption that the short bus swamp tour group had something to do with additional his original disfigurements and death, or maybe because he don't take too kindly to trespassers, and goes about making sushi out of one hammy actor after another.

Near the end of Hatchet, the end of the original Friday The 13th movie is re-enacted. In Friday The 13th Part I, the sole survivor of the previous film is dragged to her death by the unmasked and reanimated corpse of Jason Vorhees who suddenly springs from the waters of Crystal Lake and into her canoe. In the end of this film, Marybeth is dragged underwater from her bass boat and the end is just as shocking as the original Friday The 13th's ending.

At the end of this film it appears as if no one remains for Crowely to play lumberjack with. Roll credits.

Hatchet II (2010)

What happens when a movie just a grade above a Sci-Fi channel "feature" gets a sequel? Hatchet II, brohams. Hatchet II.

As the previous movie ended with a cliffhanger we just had to have a sequel. Didn't we?

Adam Green returns to the silver screen to write and direct the thrilling sequel to Hatchet I creatively entitled "Hatchet II". The lead, Marybeth, the Ellen Ripley of this gripping saga, is now played by the adorable Danielle Harris while Tamara Feldman was busy appearing in three TV series including Dirty Sexy Money and One Tree Hill. The sequel, more than likely due to budgetary concerns, is not shot on location. It was in fact filmed within a murky, small sound stage inside of a cyclopean, darkened Hollywood studio instead of New Orleans.

This beauty ends with Tony Todd being chopped up in two and abruptly flayed by way of a clean jerk from Crowley. In the final seconds, Marybeth, once more the sole survivor of the rampaging Crowley, caves in the giant stunt-monster's misshapen head. Then, she unceremoniously fires a single shotgun blast, point blank, into his skull.

These last few scenes are incredibly tedious to watch yet the FX departments, both the practical effects courtesy of the Special Effects Team led by Tom Ceglia and digital from Lit Post, did an extraordinary job. They are not to mixed up with the ham-handedness that permeates the rest of the film.

Hatchet III (2013)

A sequel to a sequel turned out to surpass the original movies? Hold the phone, Ennis!

Hatchet returns once more with a new director, BJ McDonnell, who is known for his camera crew work on horror films and series such as The Walking Dead season two. McDonnell directs Adam Green's third and final Hatchet script and miraculously Alien III doesn't happen. Another major theatrical blunder was averted thanks to McDonnell who shows off some extremely impressive FX and re-focuses the movie around the killer and his final victim a la John Carpenter's original Halloween.

In a genius opening scene, that literally picks up exactly where the previous film finished (three years prior in real-time), with a smoking barrel pulling away from a bloody crater in Victor Crowley's skull - in the general vicinity of where his face used to be - Marybeth relaxes just just long enough to have a emotional breakdown. This gives Crowely, and what is presumably the Vorhees curse, just enough time to make good a quick escape.

This film is very watchable. Once again both the practical effects courtesy this time of David Nash and the digital effects from Jason Richard Miller set the film apart. It is nearly on par with the new Hills Have Eyes re-makes but is much closer to the first two Wrong Turn movies. It's fun, in a way that the Wrong Turn franchise isn't, and the effects are impressive and realistic.

As for Victor Crowely himself, Mr. Hodder is currently featuring or co-starring in 18 new movies to be released in 2014-15 according to IMDb. To date, Hodder has worked as a stunt man in a current total of 97 films and tv shows and has performed in 101 films and counting.

References:
IMDb, Hatchet
IMDb, Kane Hodder
Horror Happy Hour, Hatchet
Kicked Seats, Hatchet 2 (2010)

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Slash-Mess Day Twelve: The Taint (2010)

We reach the critical mass of Slash-Mess with a brilliant Australian entry, The Taint (2012).

What if Lloyd Kaufman (Toxic Avenger, Poultrygeist) directed Cabin Fever (2002)? What if Shaun Of The Dead (2006) was directed by a misogynistic, survival horror fan like Tobe Hooper (original Texas Chainsaw Massacre)? What if the The Driller Killer (1976) had a large cast and a disturbing sense of humor? What if H.G. Lewis shot Gruesome Twosome (1967) with a respectably sized crowd-funded budget in 2010?

These burning questions and more are all answered the full-throttle, Richmond, VA. made hu-mon apocalypse movie, The Taint (2010) the final film of this unholy holiday of Slash-Mess.

Critics hate it. The people love it. It's everything that is right with horror movies and it's fun. The shocking use of special effects and practicals remind you that you are watching a horror movie and not groan-mantic comedy dressed up as a horror film like Twilight or the even less watchable True Blood series on cable television.

The score is solid cheese, aged since the 1980's when it was created by Kraftwerk, and given new life today like a aerobics class full of zombies being led by a badly decomposed and upbeat Richard Simmons. It's Shaun Of The Dead with bigger balls and less coherence. Your ol' pal The Sleaze-A-Saurus highly recommends this film and rates it with four outta a possible four manling skulls.

References:
IMDb, The Taint (2010)
The Taint, Official Site
Planet Terror, The Taint (2010)
Tony's Trash Cinema, Taint (2010)

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Slash-Mess Day Eleven: Zombie 108 (2012)

The Zombie Apocalypse strikes Taiwan and all beautiful women survive? That settles it. I'm moving!

What is more infectious than zombie movies? They are being made in Cuba (Juan Of The Dead), The UK (Shaun Of The Dead, The Horde) and even Norway (Snow Dead) by the dozen but the genre actually started as an American production with White Zombie (1932) referencing Haiti's "zombo" and witchcraft related phenomena.

Today, not to be left behind, Taiwan has produced their own modern gem called Zombie 108 (2012). This movie features all the best from it's recent predecessors plus adds the one of the most incredibly sexy creatures on Planet Earth - the long-haired, long legged, brown-eyed, Yvonne Yao.

She is truly beautiful to look upon. And to make this movie even more appealing she is not alone in the beauties featured through out Zombie 108!

The concept of the Asian Woman is long lusted after in the West. Hu-mon males in the Western Hemisphere are known to greatly desire attractive asian females for her physical perfection, thoughtful obedience, willingness to please, trim figure, delicate bearing and rich inner tapestry of emotions. This is a syndrome called "Yellow Fever" and - it is not always fatal.


Winner of the Most Attractive (and also edible) Female Hu-mon for 2012 - the comely Yvonne Yao.

Now, let's do the math. Yellow Fever plus Zombie Fever (fatal) = underground hit!

In this film, the zombie virus strikes the over-populated heart of Taipei already boiling over with a population of 6.9 million people. The Taiwanese Army and SWAT teams attempt to oversee an evacuation but repeatedly fail against the enormous tide of undead, Mad Max styled thugs and good old human panic.

Caught in the middle is Yvonne Yao and her daughter Chloe. They have managed to survive streets and supermarkets full of hungry zombies only to find other survivors that have been maddened by the zombie related-events.

They take refuge in the once trendy, outlying neighborhood of Ximending where a gang of criminals that control the city don't want the police involved in their sanctuary. They are more than happy sniffing mountains of coke off of the trim, naked bodies of dozens of dark haired china dolls. And you know? Who on Earth would blame them?

These gangs attack the police and the military but when both find themselves under attack by zombies there is an alliance as they try and escape from the worst of the zombie plague.

A very interesting, raw feature film directorial debut by Joe Chien who is inventive even in the increasingly "tired" zombie genre. This movie has many good qualities and performances that have made it stand out in this genre.

References:
IMDb, Zombie 108 (2012)
Wikipedia, Taipei
Yvonne Yao.com, Official Actress Blog
Horror Talk, Zombie 108 Review

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Slash-Mess Day Ten: Grave Encounters (2011)

Do you wanna see something really scary? Really? Press play. Once.

Horror movies posing as documentaries are nothing new in Hollywood. For the past two decades film makers have been eager to capitalize on utilizing this genre within a genre as horror masquerading as "found footage" (see REC, Quarantine, Blair Witch Project)^[0]. This is an accessible method of creating a sense of credibility then immediately bypassing the audience's ever-present skepticism.

This Vicious Brothers movie (funded by Tribeca Film) features Lance Preston (Sean Rogerson) and the crew of "Grave Encounters", a Ghost Hunters type of reality television show, who plan to shoot an episode inside the spooky ol' abandoned Collingwood Psychiatric Hospital.

"American horror films have become increasingly safe and predictable.... the genre isn't taken seriously anymore. Our intention was to take things back to a time when horror films didn't play by the rules."

- The Vicious Brothers.

Collingwood is reputedly a place where unexplained phenomena has been reported for years since it's closing. In the name of Must-See-TV the crew locks themselves inside the building for a night to begin a paranormal investigation by capturing everything on camera.

The production crew quickly realizes that the building is more than just haunted - it's alive - and it has no intention of ever letting them leave.

In 2012, a significantly worse film written by The Vicious Brother was released as a sequel this time directed by John Poliquin as his feature length directorial debut. Poliquin's version focused on a younger crowd but used many of the same spooky special effects and style that made the first movie so entertaining.

Creatively entitled Grave Encounters 2 (2012), the sequel followed a group of spoiled teenagers, who had seen the original film, and were inspired to visit Collingwood to investigate for themselves. Yet the malicious force from the first film was all but gone very much like Blair Witch, Texas Chainssaw Massacre and Friday The 13th and their sequels - progressively watered down versions of what was once a scary and original idea.

Notes:[0] = Film makers do this in order to get around traditional conventions that horror movies (Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street) get deeply mired in. As an unintended consequence of obeying genre dogma - so do horror movie audiences.

References:
IMDB, Grave Encounters (2011)
Vicious Brothers, Hard Line
Horror Movie Blog, Grave Robbers Inc.

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Slash-Mess Day Nine: Black Christmas (1974)

Olivia Hussey and Margot Kidder scream of a Scary Christmas in '74.

A very scary Slash-Mess, manlings! In years past, Internet audiences thrilled at The Sleaze-A-Saurus's Silent Night Deadly Night Axe-Mass Terrorthon. Beginning in 2010, we celebrate the new tradition of Slash-Mess embracing both retro and new horror movies in order to counteract the evil of Macy's commercials and crass consumerism! It makes this time of the year kind of hard-to-top, actually.

And so, it only seems fitting that your ol' pal, The Sleaze-A-Saurus, presents to you another special Slash-Mess treat: the original 1970's version of Black Christmas (1974).

The original Black Christmas, recently updated with a lackluster "remake" in 2006, stars the beautiful Olivia Hussey (Zeffirelli's Romeo and Juliet) and Margot Kidder (Superman) as the remaining two residents of a sorority house that has been temporarily abandoned for the holidays. The atmosphere is jolly and carefree, except for an ongoing series of menacing telephone calls, and, oh yes, we've just seen someone climb into the attic with apparent malicious intent.

What's worse? The calls are coming from inside the house! Authentic? You betcha.


Oh that beautiful actress by the wreath. Olivia Hussey being cute-as-a-button in Black Christmas (1974).

The well-written and acted Black Christmas also features Keir Dullea (2001) and John Saxon (Enter The Dragon and the original Nightmare On Elm Street) and was directed by Bob Clark (Porky's, The Karate Dog, Baby Geniuses).

This 70's sorority house the phone is ringing off the hook! And guess who keeps callin'? Who else but a sweaty obscene caller with his mind-on-murder and murder-on-his-mind! Clearly a dedicated professional!


All the David Carradine jokes aside - this never turns out OK.

Before long the whole house is in stitches, gone to pieces and a bit strung out (mostly in piles) as the mysterious caller shares his overwhelmingly bright Slash-Mass spirit with each and every one of these beautiful sorority sisters - in person and in the flesh.

The film is very good - high tension and good performances from the leads and co-stars. Black Christmas earns itself four manling skulls outta a possible four!

References:
IMDB, Black Christmas (1974)
Horrorphile, Bleck X-Mas (1974)
Movie Genie, Black Christmas
DVD Dino-bots, Black X-Mas (1974)

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Slash-Mess Day Eight: Scream, Blacula, Scream! (1973)

Mamuwalde returns to L.A. to feast upon the blood of b-movie actresses.

William Marshall reprises the role of the undead African prince Mamuwalde - this time with the young and bodacious Pam Grier (93 movies to her credits including Coffy (1972), Jackie Brown (1997)) as the sexy voodoo priestess Lisa who finds herself directly in Blacula's unholy vampiric sights.

This sequel to the original Blacula (1971), released by infamous American International Pictures (AIP), features much higher production standards and choreographed fight scenes that adds an unexpected ferocity to Marshal's characterization of the doomed prince.

References:
IMDB, Scream, Blacula, Scream! (1973)
Wikipedia, Scream Blacula Scream
Realm Of Horror, Scream Blacula Scream

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Slash-Mess Day Seven: Bong Of The Dead (2009)

Genre confusion reigns supreme as Cheech and Chong meets The Evil Dead.

Genre confusion reigns supreme in red showers of zomboid blood as Weedsploitation (Super High Me, Dazed And Confused, Half-Baked) meets survival horror (Resident Evil, Night Of The Living Dead, The Walking Dead) in Bong Of The Dead (2009). Thomas Newman's British Columbia based Mind In Motion Inc.'s terrific short concerns two post-Apocalyptic stoners and their desperate search for the most excellent weed fertilizer known to man: rotting zombie brains. What else, eh?

At last, pathetic hu-mon brains are good for something!

Along the way, the two hapless and frantically jonesin' hipsters meet up with the spunky and adorable Simone Bailey (Battle Star Gallactica and Stargate SG-1). The trio sets out to the "Danger Zone" in order to harvest a bongload of brains.

This inventive cliche exploiting movie is being actively marketed and distributed with aa grass roots campaign that allows individual theaters, galleries and night clubs to book the film!

References:
IMDB, Bong Of The Dead (2009)
Mind In Motion Inc., Official Site
Bong Of The Dead, Official Site

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Slash-Mess Day Six: Fire And Ice (1983)

The creator of the first X-rated cartoon and the master of all comic arts create Fire And Ice (1983).

A cartoon on the 'Blender? And during the unholy holiday of Slash-Mess!?! WTF... Unprecedented! But, yes, it is true O scale-less manlings. The Sleaze-A-Saurus has an unquestionable rationale for posting Fire and Ice (1983)... Two of 'em actually. Two 1970's era art masters.

First, may I present to you, Mr. Ralph Bakshi. Bakshi is the infamous director and animator of underground classics including Heavy Metal, Wizards and the world first X-rated cartoon, Fritz The Cat. His work was at once breath-taking in it's artistry and also disturbing due to the heavy amounts of brutal inhuman violence, nudity and an obvious irreverence for Establishment thought.

Bakshi's leadership and vision is emblematic of the creator driven, original approach that has shaped so much entertainment today. In animation, The Simpsons and Ren and Stimpy are the result of one man's personal drive to realize an original idea. This is definitely not the case with mainstream animation as Disney and Warner Brothers idea is to create a uniform product with a broad appeal - a cookie cutter approach devoid of substance. It is an approach to animation that has dominated the entertainment industry for 100 years outside of indie or underground animation.

The second master artist involved in Fire and Ice was the late Mr. Frank Frazetta. Frazetta became a legend in his own lifetime for his brilliant work and prolific output. His art in comics, illustration and fine art is unparalelled. His attention to detail and ferocity of his subject matter has contributed to the art form. Frazetta's work raised comics and illustration up to a level not outside the scope of fine art.

Due to Frazetta's original, fine arts driven and action oriented approach to comics and art there are wave after wave of incredible artists working in the mainstream comics industry after he blazed a trail to prove that unusual and original work can find a broad following.

Please, scaleless manlings, enjoy the culmination of these two masters collaboration in... Fire and Ice!

References:
IMDB, Fire And Ice (19830
Wikipedia, Frank Frazetta
Frank Frazetta Museum, Home

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Slash-Mess Day Five: Warm Bodies (2013)

Rockers L7 predicted the zombie apocalypse and zombie parodies. I snack you not.

Rob Corddry and John Malkovitch co-star in Warm Bodies (2013) an excellent, original zombie parody due in theaters in February of 2013. This flick comes from an adaptation of Isaac Marion's novel of the same name, Warm Bodies. The book and movie both feature the central character "R" (as in "Arrrrr!") a self-aware zombie who falls in love with a human girl.

"R" played by Nicholas Hoult who played Beast in X-Men First Class (2011) and is also cast as Beast in the next X-Men movie, Days of Future Past due out in 2014, stars as the self-aware and conflicted zombie. Breaking with traditional lore "R"'s love for human woman may be the "cure" for zombies worldwide and not just a hunger pang. Love conquers all and that rot?

Nevertheless, Warm Bodies tears into the cheesy, incredibly bad genre of supernatural romances aimed at 'tweens, tools and spinsters such as the awful Twilight series and spoofs love, life, and eating brains.

This horror movie parody genre is an extremely exploitable genre with not enough notable entries. Shaun Of The Dead (2004) and The Bare Wench Project (1999) being the most popular and original takes on this all too serious genre.

References:
IMDB, Warm Bodies (2013)
Isaac Marion.com, Books
Facebook, Isaac Marion

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Slash-Mess Day Four: The Intruder (1989)

This late 80's slasher film gives "Lost In Super Market" a whole new meaning.

AKA "Night of the Intruder", "Bloodnight" and "Night Crew: The Final Checkout", The Intruder has come to us much like Return of The Living Dead and Night Of The Comet - a precious relic of 1980's American culture where hair was big and the good times - well, they were even bigger.

This slasher is set in a grocery store and tag-lined with "A new dimension in terror". The movie is notable due to the fact that it's the directorial debut of Scott Spiegel, the co-writer of Evil Dead 2 and features both Raimi brothers as super market employees.

Spiegel wrote and directed The Intruder as his first major Hollywood feature and, learning from Sam Raimi's example, was not afraid to bring out the gore and excellent bloody effects - including a mid-skull decapitation with a beautifully made practical!

This approach to horror would become a trademark on his next pictures including: From Dusk Till Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money (1999) and Hostel III (2011).


Heads up, people! I'm fresh outta Excedrin and I got a headache this big.

The Intruder is more of an effects movie surrounded by a lot of suspicious giallo styled plot. Bruce Campbell cameos as a cop, Sam Raimi appears as "Randy" and Ted Raimi (Sam's brother later be featured in Xena and Raimi's first Spider-Man) appears in the film as "Produce Joe". Emilio Estevez's sister and Martin Sheen's daughter Renée Estevez stars as Linda.

The Intruder has some decent scares, imaginative effects and rises above a lot of 80's slashers one-dimensional approach to serial killer flicks.

References:
IMDB, The Intruder (1989)
Wikipedia, The Intruder (1989 film)
Lost Highway, The Intruder
Girl Who Loves Horror, The Intruder

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Slash-Mess Day Three: ATM (2012)

Phone Booth versus Blair Witch? All I can say is: it was about time.

It's no secret that your old pal the Sleaze-A-Saurus loves it some Survival Horror. By the ten-fold eyes of the Sky Demon - he also loves him some Pseudo Documentaries, too! Any pathetic hu-mon running for it's life in confined spaces and on grainy first-person camera is more than acceptable for your supreme galactic Overlord's amusement! Indeed it is.

To get ATM (2012), take the rawness of The Blair Witch (1996) and add classic b-movie writer and director Larry Cohen's^[0] superb script for Phone Booth (2002). Now, we have something most interesting - something called ATM. Angry Torture Mechanism, from what I gather...

Taglined "No warning. No control. No escape." the movie begins deceptively slow with three yuppie hu-mon friends returning from a fine old time out on the town. The small group finds themselves in a regular type, glass-enclosed bank ATM late at night. From inside the structure, they quickly find themselves targeted by a mysterious hooded figure who has sprung out of the darkness.

The mundane and ordinary falls away as the three yuppoids fight for their very lives in the condensed world of a small 10x15 glass-enclosed structure where the majority of the movie is set, much like Phone Booth before it.

The acting from Brian Geraghty (David), Alice Eve (Emily) and Josh Peck (Corey) moves from standard to flawless. The script they work from sings as a result. I am forbidden to reveal to you the full extent of the twists and turns in this very SAW-like film which potentially is already in sequel negotiations as of this article's publication date.

ATM is based on a story by Ron Tippe and developed into a script by Chris Sparling. The feature was directed by David Brooks.

NOTES:
[0] = Larry Cohen has written dozens of hit horror movies including: The Stuff (1985), Q (1984), Maniac Cop 2 (1990) and part 3 (1993). He's also written It's Alive four times starting in 1974 and re-written it for a new movie in 2008.

References:
IMDB, ATM (2012)
Wikipedia, ATM (film)

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Slash-Mess Day Two: A Lonely Place To Die (2011)

This Scottish "Deliverance" themed movie is even scarier than the American version.

This disturbing, independent Scottish film made by the British Gilbey Brothers starts slow but quickly gets serious. A Lonely Place To Die (2011) is a beautifully shot yet disturbing film released in the USA by IFC Films after a very successful run in the United Kingdom.^[0]

In it, a group of mountaineers hike miles into the lonely Scottish Highlands. They scramble across deep ravines, sheer cliffs and lush valleys before running into an even more life-threatening scenario. As the group climbs hundreds of feet up and down winding wildlands facing jagged rock faces that soar into the sky they encounter murderous madmen and a small child who seems to be their quarry!

The cinematography for the movie is astounding and panoramic. This is made all the more remarkable due to the fact that the camera men and crew were often required to scale even greater heights than the actors themselves climbed!

A Lonely Place To Die stars Australian actress Melissa George as Alison, a member of this mountaineering group that stumbles upon what they take to be strange sets of homicidal human hunters. These hunters appear to have set out well beyond civilization to stalk, shoot and murder random strangers. It is only later in the film that any context (i.e. the kidnapping) is applied to the insane situation. For the duration of the film the group is too busy to rationalize. Instead they ponder why, when or how they will be slaughtered in cold blood at the hands of total strangers led by the icy killer, Mr. Kidd, played by Sean Harris (Prometheus (2012) and the original series The Borgias).


Sean Harris's bone-chilling performance sets a new standard for the term "stone cold killer" as "Mr. Kidd".

While one set of hunters is sniping these unwary hikers ridge by ridge another set of hunters/stalkers is hot on their heels, ready and eager to carve them up. The movie features some very strange Deliverance (1972) styled delirium and rampages by these deranged hunters and their would-be prey.

A Lonely Place To Die also employs a great use of a unique soundtrack to enhance the overall spookiness of this insane situation. All of the performances are unusually good. The actors bring the tension of the scenes to a shocking life.

There's a low animal panic that rises from the beatific start of A Lonely Place To Die and moves quickly into the kill-or-be-killed thrill for these remaining survivors - survivors who are wounded and desperately running for their dear lives through the film.

NOTES:
[0] = A Lonely Place earned a whopping $25 million during in it's theatrical run with production costs coming in at $4 million - a $21 million dollar profit.

References:
IMDB, A Lonely Place To Die (2011)
IMDB, Deliverance (1972)
Wikipedia, Deliverance

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Slash-Mess Day One: Birdemic (2011)

Another entry into the genre of Failed Hitchcock Remakes. This one much more painful that the rest.

A surprising, one day early, Slash-Mess to you, horror movie fans! Slash-Mess returns at it's regularly scheduled time for Day Two of Slash-Mess Friday December 14th at 12AM - sharp.

And now, the warmest Slash-Mess Greetings to one and all. At last, your scaly, alien Overlord has come once again to provide the precious gift of entertainment to all the really bad boys and ghouls! Let the Slash-Mess Season begin by stabbing deeply within the hearts of one and all with: BIRDEMIC: SHOCK AND TERROR (2011).

Director and writer James Nguyen's 2011 homage to Alfred Hitchcock's classic The Birds (1963) has made him the modern day equivalent of notorious b-movie pioneer and female clothing enthusiast Mr. Ed Wood.

Nguyen's Birdemic is awful. Even for a movie that doesn't fully realize that it is a parody it's awful. Subtitled "Shock and Terror" the only thing shocking about this movie is that it was made and distributed in the first place. The "Terror" part must reference the incredibly monotonous score, the wooden acting and complete lack of passable special effects.

The "effects" are made up of pathetically composited 3d/CGi brown eagles. It's like looking at a bunch of stiff super-market stickers slapped on top of digital video. Not only do they look like they were downloaded from a stock model site - they are extremely poorly animated and this poor animation is used for each of the models...

Severin Films picked it up anyway and released it by first premiering it as schlock in February 27th at Cinefamily in Los Angeles, California in West Hollywood complete with Adult Swim hosts Tim and Eric. The debut featured loud speakers in front of the building playing the sounds of human screams and birds screeching. And that was just the audience reaction..


OMG! We're being attacked by mediocrity and apeshit entertainment management!

If this wasn't bad enough the sequel is coming in 2013. You guessed it, Birdemic 2: The Resurrection. The only slim ray of light in this exercise in terrible choices is that the hot (so hot!) lead actress Whitney Moore is returning for her role as "Nathalie". I hope that if someone "wins" the Birdemic - that it's her.

Now, please unwary hu-mons, for the love of all that your species claims is holy, stay away from this wretched movie.

Slash-Mess returns at it's regularly scheduled time for Day Two of Slash-Mess Friday December 14th at 12AM - sharp.

References:
IMDB, Birdemic
Wikipedia, Birdemic: Shock and Terror
Just Plain Something, Manic Masterpiece of Failure

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